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"Zamboni Pre-game" by Paul Nicholson on Flickr
The NHL hockey season is underway! Most teams have played at least five games and so it seems completely rational to assume that any emerging trends visible at this point will play out over the course of the entire 82 game schedule.
So today we’re going to look at 10 undeniable truths about the 2009 – 2010 NHL hockey season using the first two weeks or so as our guiding light. After all, you know what they say: If something happens in the beginning of October, it’s blatantly obvious that this exact thing will continue to happen for the next six months. The media hype for each of these points couldn’t possibly be wrong, right?
So here we go! You may want to write these down as there’s no way they could be wrong.
- The Toronto Maple Leafs will never win a hockey game
- The Detroit Red Wings will be in the running for a lottery pick
- Alexander Ovechkin will record over 160 points, breaking several offensive records along the way
- Neither Sidney Crosby nor Evgeni Malkin will make it anywhere near the top ten in scoring
- The Colorado Avalanche will win the Clarence S. Campbell Bowl
- Marc-Andre Fleury will never lose a game
- The Phoenix Coyotes will be a Western powerhouse
- Marian Gaborik will score 70 goals with ease
- The Vancouver Canucks and San Jose Sharks will both miss the playoffs
- The city of Montreal will cease to exist since the Habs will never succeed
All of these points are pretty obvious. If you pick up a paper, turn on the TV or check out your favourite blog, you’ll definitely realize that everything said above is true.
The best part is once you recognize that the entire season has pretty much played itself out over the first few weeks, you’ll be able to move on with your life, content with the fact that you already know exactly what is going to happen.
He's never going to lose a game
If your favourite player is in a scoring slump, you should really buy a different jersey and support someone more successful. If your team is out of the playoffs right now, just quit watching altogether. You’ll save yourself the heartache. There are several other sports you could be following right now anyway.
Why bother watching this “hockey” thing when it’s obvious what’s going to happen already? We all know that the New York Rangers and Colorado Avalanche will be squaring off for the Stanley Cup in June, so why waste seven months of your life hoping for something different? Just tune in at the end to see who wins the Cup and try to act surprised.
If you’re one of the lucky ones that has watched their favourite team or player succeed so far, you can rest easy. The rest of the season is going to play out exactly like it has so far, so you’re free to be as confident as you’d like. It helps if you start mocking fans of the teams or players struggling right now. There’s no chance any of them will achieve any sort of success this year, so have your insults ready to fling.
The NHL is a great league, isn’t it? It so conveniently sets up everything in the first couple of weeks so that you don’t need to worry any longer. It’s so convenient and stress free.
His team will never win again
So there you have it folks, the entire 2009-2010 NHL season laid out for you in a few simple points. From the looks of things, it’s going to be an exciting season. We’re going to see several teams that have struggled for years suddenly achieve great success while previously dominant teams will tumble into despair.
We’re also going to watch several long-standing records be broken, but there’s no need to actually tune into the games to see that occur. You already know it’s going to happen, remember?
The first two weeks of the season told you so. Once it does happen, you can just watch the clips on YouTube and smile.
Ah the NHL. Never has a game of skill played between two teams of men skating on a sheet of ice at high speeds after a small piece of rubber been so completely, totally and entirely predictable. Enjoy the year!
Images:
“Zamboni Pre-game” by Paul Nicholson
“Fleury’s mask” by SouthCentral
“Jason Blake” by Aaron Webb
Rick Moldovanyi is a freelance journalist from Toronto. He covers the Pittsburgh Penguins at Penguins Experience and has written for several publications in the Toronto area.
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Great post Rick..
a note about Montreal. This city is so obsessed over hockey – there was recently an insert in the city’s daily newspaper discussing all things Habs. There was a half page photo and accompanying article about a guy named Mr. Johns. Quite the media exposure for him. His claim to fame: He played 1 nhl game for the Habs in 1966. Imagine the pages he would have had if he played 2!!
ps Come on!! the Leafs will surely win 2 or 3! But – Ovechkin may get 70 this year!
October and November in the NHL is like April in MLB: any and all statistical projections are suspect if based on super results early on
…. unless you count super-rookie Malkin 3 years ago, scoring in his first 8 (?) NHL games played or I woul d say heatley and the Sharks looking like it is time to break the jinx next spring….
Looks like your assessment of Toronto is looking pretty accurate.
Great read Rick!
You could also throw in the Brian “GRATzky” McGrattan will average a PPG and notch 10 or more Gordie Howe hat-tricks…lol
now it’s Dec. 20, and a good half of the 10 predictions above now look crazy….