Burke vs. Lowe III aka Jon vs. Kate

When last we heard from the Edmonton Oilers’ President of Hockey Operations Kevin Lowe, he was retreating to the recesses of Rexall Place, leaving GM Steve Tambellini to clean up a mess that makes Haiti look like a spring cleaning. Of course, prior to pulling the best disappearing act since Bin Laden, Old No. 4 took a timeout for some final parting shots at his old nemesis Brian Burke.

For those of you that missed it, Burke said something along the lines of “why don’t you draft your own players instead of stealing mine?” Lowe replied with the cutting witticism, “My dad is bigger than your dad,” and the war was on.

Since then, the NHL’s version of Itchy & Scratchy have watched their hockey clubs plummet to the bottom of the standings in their respective conferences, and neither has said a thing about the other. Their silence is not of their own volition of course, but the result of a gag order from Gary Bettman who clearly does not understand the important role that arrogant GMs play in selling tickets in their respective hockey markets.

In Edmonton where the local team has struggled mightily however (predominantly because they’re an AHL team playing in the NHL), this soap opera is not only sorely missed, it’s return is absolutely crucial if the beloved home team holds out any hope of selling tickets over the final 29 games of the season. This is the age of reality TV after all. We can’t expect teams to sell tickets on the basis of effort or wins alone.

With this in mind, and as a public service to the Edmonton Oilers’ ongoing efforts at salvaging their season ticket base, I humbly present Burke vs. Lowe III aka Jon vs. Kate.

Lowe: Hey Jurke, did you notice the Ducks are currently sitting at 12^th in the Western Conference. Looks like I was right on the mark about you leaving that team in bad shape.

Burke: Lowe-ser, you realize we won the Stanley Cup with that team and the Ducks have won the third most playoff games in the league over the last 3 years, behind only Detroit and Pittsburgh?

Lowe: Whatever Jurke, I’ve got 6 rings if you want to start tallying them up.

Burke: Right, I forgot. How many have you won as a GM? Oh that’s right, zero. Good work genius. How’s that Horcoff contract working out for ya?

Lowe: You, criticizing me over a contract? Oh, that’s rich. You just traded for a backup goalie earning $7 million next season.

Burke: I also dumped two players we didn’t need with contracts totalling $14.5 million, lowering our cap in the process. It’s simple math Lowe-ser so I could see why you’re struggling with it.

At any rate, I’m tired of giving you GM lessons so listen closely this time.

In picking up Giguere, I just reunited my former Conn Smythe winner with his goaltending coach and I also have the best goaltending prospect in the league waiting in the wings. Our goaltending situation is now solidified for the next 5 years.

By comparison, you gave an old Russian with a bad back a $15 million retirement bonus.

Lowe: That was Tambellini’s signing, not mine.

Burke: I thought you had final approval on all of the hockey moves? I guess Katz finally saw the light and neutered you like I did with the Pronger trade.

Lowe: Pronger! $&#@*! I warned you to never mention his name. I swear to the Hockey Gods, I will crosscheck you so hard, your wife will think you’ve got an Easton tatoo on your chest.

Burke: Ah Lowe-ser, I missed you. Did you see I just pulled a similar deal with the Flames? A potential Norris Trophy winner for a bunch of spare parts and UFAs. Seriously, what is with you and Sutter? Must be something in the water in Alberta…lol

Lowe: C’mon Burkie, stop busting my chops. I need some help here. They’re getting a lynch mob ready in Edmonton. I need to make a deal AND quick. Anything will do. A salary dump, a lateral move…Let’s make a deal. What have you got?

Burke: Well, I’ve got Lee Stempniak going UFA at the end of the year. He’s 6’0, so he’s a little bigger than the guys you normally take, but he did score 27 goals 5 years ago for the Blues.

Lowe: Sounds good, I’ll give you Horcoff for him.

Burke: Kevin, I’ve told you a million times, no one wants Horcoff. How about Eberle? You don’t need another small forward. You’ve already cornered the market with Gagner, Cogliano, Nilsson, O’Sullivan, Comrie…

Lowe: I don’t think so Burkie. I sent my scouts to the World Juniors for the first time this year and they said Eberle may be the best small sniper since Tony Tanti. We’re keeping him.

Burke: Well, how about your first rounder this year? You know you’re not going to win the lottery Kevin. Remember when you lost the chance to draft Crosby? You don’t need that kind of disappointment again.

Lowe: Crosby! Don’t remind me of that. Even our scouts knew that kid was going to be a player.

Damn, you’re right. We don’t need another first round bust. If I hear someone mention Jason Bonsignore or Steve Kelly or Jessie Niinimaki one more time, I’m going to send Semenko to their house.

Hall, Seguin, Fowler, how the heck do I know which one of them is going to be a player? I’m not Nostra-frigging-Damus.

Ok, Stempniak for our lottery pick this year. What else have you got? You know two-for-one deals are my trademark.

Burke: Messier just sent us a crate of those M11 helmets. I could throw those in?

Lowe: The Moose’s helmets? That’s not bad. We’re so tight against the cap, I’m having trouble meeting our equipment budget. Ok, our lottery pick for Stempniak and a crate of M11’s, it’s a done deal.

Oh, and Burkie, remember the condition with the Pronger trade?

Burke: No worries Kevin, I’ll tell the media you really busted my balls on this deal. It’s the least I can do. See you at the draft.

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