Jas Faulkner’s December Mailbag

 by Jas Faulkner, Nashville Correspondent

Whether you’re firing up the old wire and tinsel tree or cleaning the wax out of the family menorah and swearing every time the dog eats another piece of candle, I hope everyone is having a very happy holiday season. As my editor has pointed out, we at The Hockey Writers appreciate everyone who stops by to see what we’re going to say next.

So today, I am going to answer some of questions that have been sent to me via Facebook, Twitter, email and the occasional shouted query as I am walking from Bridgestone Arena to my car. It’s not that I am lacking things to write about so much as I am finding that people are very entertainingly chatty.

So, here’s the first question:

Dear Jas,

If Patric Hornqivst and Chuck Norris got into a fight, who would win?

Ethan  (Age 32)
Hermitage, Tennessee

Hello Ethan!

The jury is out on that one, but you can be sure that Hornqvist would be having fun flailing away while Norris would treat the fight with the same grim sense of duty he applied to his tenure as “Walker: Texas Ranger.”


Wow.  That was easy.  Let’s answer some more.


Hey Jas,

I noticed that you put your hand over your heart when the girl sang “O Canada” during the Sens/Preds game last night.  Did you forget that you’re not Canadian?  Ha! Ha!

Cornelia Wiggly (of Piggly-Wigglys)
Epoch, Tennessee

 Dear Ms Wiggly,

Shut up.

Jas Faulkner


Dear Jas,

Do you really want to punch me in the umbo? Do you really want to make me cry?

Concerned and a little frightened,
George Boyes
Igloo Falls, Kentucky

 Dear George,

This is where I need to get in touch with my inner John Yossarian to answer your question.  Here’s the thing: if you are giving any thought at all to the possibility that I would want to punch you in the umbo, the odds are probably somewhere around 99.991 percent against that I would want to punch you in the umbo. I promise you, the people who need a good swift punch in the umbo are blissfully unaware of this.  People who need a good swift punch in the umbo never think they’re the ones who need a good swift punch in the umbo.




Dear Jas,

If Shea Weber got into a fight with Tarzan, who would win?

Ethan  (Age 32)
Hermitage, Tennessee


Tarzan first appeared as a character in a pulp serial in 1912. Even if he was a real person he would be 98 years old. Shea Weber is 24, his shots have been clocked just north of 105 mph.  It looks like Lord Greystoke would be toast.

Amused by your persistence,


 Hi Jas!

Who is the person dancing inside the big blue and grey cat costume?

Squeegoo Clampett
Nashville, Tennessee

Dear Squeegoo,

Honey, that’s not a costume.  That’s Gnash, and in paleozoological circles he’s known as Smilodon Fatalis. Unlike most of the guitar-toting denizens of Lower Broad, he’s a native.  However, he remembers when it was icy cold around here all the time and he’s more than happy to see the return of the ice age and people who are suited to the chill taking up residence in Tennessee. 

Or you could just assume it’s Amy Grant in there.



Dear Jas,

If you put Wade Belak and Jordin Tootoo in a tank with Joe Thornton and a hungry tiger shark, who would win?

Ethan  (Age 32)
Hermitage, Tennessee

 Ethan!  Look!  Shiny!  Pretty!


Well, that’s all the time we have for this month’s mailbag.  I hope everyone has a safe, happy holiday season. 

This is Jas Faulkner, who is glorying in the whole concept of sleeping in.  I’ll see you at The ‘Plex and The ‘Stone and online at Facebook and Twitter.





Jas Faulkner



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