Please Help Find A Cure for the Leafs Empty Trophy Case
I traveled to Houston, Texas a few years ago on business. When introducing myself, I was proud to announce I was from Toronto, Canada. “Oh, you must be a big hockey fan,” a local gentleman suggested with a warm, hospitable smile. “Yes, I am,” I proudly blurted again. Then I quickly added, “but I’m not a Leafs fan.” It didn’t matter to me that I may have sounded rebellious or maybe even confusing to my hosts. I just wanted it to be clear that although I was from Toronto and a big hockey fan, I most definitely was not a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You never know, someone down there might actually know a thing or two about hockey.
As you read this, please be aware that I’m crying out for help. Extend your hand or pity to me, please. First of all, wherever you live, please accept that there are two very distinctly different denominations on this planet: Torontonians and Leaf fans. Torontonians are forced geographically to live with the Leafs and their fans, but some of us would really prefer if you didn’t automatically assume that we all willingly embrace perpetual losing.
The average Torontonian is not as egocentrically arrogant as has been rumored for a long time. Furthermore, like everyone else in North America, us pleasant, common Toronto folks use professional sports as a diversion from the usual stresses of everyday life. Hockey is our preferred sport of choice. And we are not all Leaf fans.
Of course most Torontonians are indeed Leaf fans. The Leafs are the home team, and many feel obliged to root root root for the home team. Not me. I like to think that in my years of living, reading and appreciating hockey history, I have concluded correctly and without doubt: The Leafs stink. I like winners and am not particularly loyal to one team. “May the best team win,” I always say. It’s never the Leafs.
The reasons for the Leafs’ stinkiness have been well documented. The shelves of bookstores in Toronto are stacked with bestsellers that clearly illustrate the dreadful post-1967 history of this disastrous enterprise. No Stanley Cups, Hart trophies, Vezina trophies, Calder trophies, Norris trophies or Art Ross trophies since the “Original Six.” Not even a single appearance in a Stanley Cup final series. After 43 years of endless managerial and coaching changes, very few really good players and lots of stupid hockey decisions, one can draw conclusion that the only reason this comparably horrid hockey organization remains viable is due to the unwavering loyalty of the sub-species known as Leaf fans. Loyal to a fault they are, but very stinky as well.
Don’t get me wrong. The average Leaf fan is as knowledgeable a hockey fan as you will find anywhere. They’re as astutely analytical of our game as anyone and as fervently passionate as any fan of any team in any sport. You have to assume that they would prefer winning like anybody else, but that’s not always evident. You see, Leaf fans are a bit shortsighted and dumb in a way. For the most part, they ignore statistical and factual history. They forgivingly allow the same mistakes to occur over and over again, like the trading away of future hope (draft picks) for quick and easy fixes. And this is where I’m crying out for your help.
Can you please help me to find a cure for Leafism? Oh, by the way, don’t try to tell Leaf fans they should try to stay away for awhile and hurt ownership in the pocketbook where it hurts the most. That’s already been tried repeatedly and fruitlessly over the greater part of the lives of most Leaf fans. Like the cat that always came back, Leaf fans always return to the barn to be milked each season. Don’t bother suggesting we need to apply for another NHL team in southern Ontario for the sake of introducing some healthy competition. Many Torontonians are begging for one, but Gary Bettman would sooner put a team in the Antarctic before another one in Canada. I give up.
Sadly, things seem to be getting worse. This season the Leafs don’t only have the worst penalty-killing record in the league, they’re on the verge of setting an all-time record of futility in this category. YIKES! Meanwhile, they linger among the bottom feeders of the NHL again in the standings. They’ve allowed more goals than all other teams. They go down 2-0 in half their games like no other team ever before. The gruesome stats go on and on. They will probably miss the playoffs for a fifth straight year. Four consecutive playoff-less seasons was already a record for this franchise.
I live in Toronto and by geographical association with the Leafs, I’m a loser. Ouch. But Toronto itself is a nice place. Honestly. HELP!
- Chris
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