The Odd Couple: Vancouver/ Episode Three

On February 15th, Evgeni Malkin was asked to remove himself from his place of residence in Pittsburgh and go play on behalf of his home country, Mother Russia. That request came from his parents. Deep down, he knew it was the right thing to do, but he also knew that someday, he would return to The Igloo. With his gymbag in hand, he appeared at the door of his previous Team Russia room mate, Alexander Ovechkin. Sometime earlier, Bruce Boudreau had sent him to Vancouver, telling him to come back when he had a gold medal. Can two NHL rivals who have made rude poultry noises at each other during the Stanley Cup Playoffs share a room at Olympic Village without driving each other crazy?

The story so far: Malkin, Ovechkin and a newly emerged “Former Nashville Predator Alexander Radulov” have done well during the preliminary rounds.  They are preparing to celebrate as best they can under the Federation coach’s strictures with a night of pizza, XBox and hiding under Ovi’s bed.

The shower is running in the adjoining bathroom and GENO can be heard singing “That’s Not My Name”.  OVI is seated on his bed, picking the toppings off of a piece of pizza and tossing them at ALEX, who is back in his customary hiding place.

ALEX:  Just hand me a piece of pizza.  Gah.

OVI:  Gotta work off the calories, Radu.  Ooh, here’s a big piece of mushroom.  Catch!

ALEX reaches out from under the bed and grabs at OVI, who dodges him and grabs a spray bottle from the nightstand. He lets it fly at ALEX, who screams.

ALEX: Holy Mother of Percival!  What was that, beaver pee?

OVI:  (looking at the label) Axe Spray for Men.

GENO: (from the shower) Alex!  Are you getting in my stuff again?

ALEX and OVI:  No!

GENO: (from the shower) All right then…Former Nashville Predator Alexander Radulov.

ALEX: I wish Mike Milbury would quit calling me that.

OVI: What was it that Erat kept saying every time he skated  by you?  Boogeyman?  Was it your nickname in Nashville? Radu!

ALEX: No.  Frickin’ Erat…

OVI: Well what was it, then?

ALEX: Boogers.

OVI: That’s cold.

ALEX: Every time, EVERY TIME he skated by, ‘Hi Boogers!’.

OVI: He also said you dance like a white boy.

ALEX: So mean…

OVI: Well, I did watch your celebration dance when Datsyuk made that final goal…

ALEX: It wasn’t that bad.  Was it?

OVI: Have you ever seen Seinfeld?   Oh, before I forget, Geno, I’m out of clean laundry.

GENO: (from the shower) And I’m supposed to do what about it?

OVI: Nothing.  I just got a pair from your bag. I’ll give them back.

GENO: (from the shower) A pair of my underwear?  No.  No.  That’s just nasty.

ALEX: Under where?

OVI: Men’s underpants.

ALEX: Man panties?

GENO: I SAID NO!

Nabakov enters with Malkin’s parents and Sidney Crosby.

ALEX: Geno…

GENO: (as he is coming into the room, naked, wet and angry) Alexander Michaylovich Ovechkin when I come in there you better have those underpants off! MOM! This is not what it looks like!

CROSBY: Geno, I had no idea.

OVI: He’s cute, but I’m really not that into him.

ALEX: Not helping, tovarish.

Tune in next time when Geno’s Mom says:  “Evgeni, would you and your husband like some more beet soup?” and Geno says: “Mo-om!”

..and if Geno needs a new pair of sports thermals he can check here.


Jas Faulkner
Jas Faulkner is a minimally socialised writer and artist who lives and works in Nashville, Tennessee. She hearts her attitude problem.
Jas Faulkner

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