by Jas Faulkner, Nashville Correspondent
Okay, I’m going to cut to the chase here. You know that gathering in Raleigh? You think it’s all about the cream of the crop of the NHL and the something someting of victory and the whatsawhosis of defeat? No. This is where all of the aliens who have come down here to observe us get together to compare notes.
That’s right. Chara? Ovechkin? Those damned Staal kids? They’re all from a galaxy far, far way.
Think about it, are humans really able to hit pucks in excess of 100 mph? Ovechkin sometimes forgets the to obey the laws of physics. And for goodness sake, who do the Sedins think they’re fooling? The surgical precision of their play on the ice, the fact that they really aren’t THAT identical…come on. Rub their foreheads and you’ll see the the makeup gives way to shiny, clear exoskeletons housing pulsing blue and green brains.
That brings us to Shea Weber. You see, he comes from a verdant but cold planet called Skwiiiii that is inhabited by tiny, hamster-like creatures with huge eyes who operate a global collective where they play ice games and raise millet.
Actually, they look more like aye-ayes:
Their currency is a marshmallow-like substance called Jirlo. Their primary forms of communication are blinks and whisker twitches.The Skwiiiiikans thought long and hard about how they wanted their emissary to Earth to look and act. They pored over the information from the Voyager Project Record and recorded TMC satellite transmissions they found at Kagarg Interplanetary Library and Hummus Bar until they came up with the perfect amalgam of sampled earth specimens to create the image they wanted: