by Jas Faulkner, Nashville Correspondent
Okay, I’m going to cut to the chase here. You know that gathering in Raleigh? You think it’s all about the cream of the crop of the NHL and the something someting of victory and the whatsawhosis of defeat? No. This is where all of the aliens who have come down here to observe us get together to compare notes.
That’s right. Chara? Ovechkin? Those damned Staal kids? They’re all from a galaxy far, far way.
Think about it, are humans really able to hit pucks in excess of 100 mph? Ovechkin sometimes forgets the to obey the laws of physics. And for goodness sake, who do the Sedins think they’re fooling? The surgical precision of their play on the ice, the fact that they really aren’t THAT identical…come on. Rub their foreheads and you’ll see the the makeup gives way to shiny, clear exoskeletons housing pulsing blue and green brains.
That brings us to Shea Weber. You see, he comes from a verdant but cold planet called Skwiiiii that is inhabited by tiny, hamster-like creatures with huge eyes who operate a global collective where they play ice games and raise millet.
Actually, they look more like aye-ayes:
Their currency is a marshmallow-like substance called Jirlo. Their primary forms of communication are blinks and whisker twitches.The Skwiiiiikans thought long and hard about how they wanted their emissary to Earth to look and act. They pored over the information from the Voyager Project Record and recorded TMC satellite transmissions they found at Kagarg Interplanetary Library and Hummus Bar until they came up with the perfect amalgam of sampled earth specimens to create the image they wanted:
With these new physical attributes in place, they embedded him in Nashville, where he was to eventually become the mission leader.
But…but…you may be asking yourself , “Is Shea Weber’s name in Skwiiiiikan actually ‘Shea Weber’?”
Here’s how they decided on the name: They were recording music from the library and came upon a theme song they loved. Unbeknownst to them, over the light years of travel, he transmission had gotten slightly garbled, so here’s what they heard:
Theme from SHEA!
Who’s the guy with the stick,
He’s a slapshot machine the goalies duck?
Ya damn right!
Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his teammate?
Can you dig it?
Who’s the Cat that won’t cop out
When there’s Blackhawks all about?
They say this Cat Shea is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I’m talkin’ ’bout Shea.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
He’s a complicated man
But no one understands him
But his brother and sister Skwiiiiikans
The Skwiiiiikan high council was not aware of his special power of the slap shot until 2009 when he nearly outshot Zdeno Chara
at the ASG skills competition. (Chara is not a Skwiiiiikan, maybe I’ll tell you about his home planet some day. Or not.) Then there was the Olympic shot that burned through Germany’s net. Relations have just now normalised between Skwiiiii and Burgoo, the planet of origin of Germany’s goalie, so he’s treading a little more carefully these days. This also explains the drop in speed at the ’11 skills competition. Shea, being a thoughtful Skwiiiiikan, did not want to hurt Chara’s feelings. When it was time for him to make final shot, he took his foot off the gas, so to speak. It wasn’t really about Chara being better, it was all about keeping interplanetary peace.
Or is it?
This is Jas Faulker hoping everyone enjoys the game this afternoon.
Confidential to Jeff Little and Rick Gethin: You are the funk kings of the universe. Long may you groove.
To my overlords: Jeremy Roenick and the Brunette Gigglemonsters are sapping my will to live. I miss Charissa Thompson and Christine Simpson, who can interview circles around them while getting mani-pedis and updating their Facebook status thingies. It also makes me miss Pete, Terry and Tom.
To my fellow writers: I am aware that the Flames have not been in Atlanta for quite some time. The fact that the conceit they were still in Georgia lasted for the better part of the afternoon only confirms that there are times when my brain is in jar in the laundry room behind Niklas Lidstrom the Shih Tzu’s bag of Newman’s Own Kibble.
To everyone else, I’ll see you at the ‘Plex and the ‘Stone and online at Facebook and Twitter!