The Boston Bruins and ‘Caddyshack’

As the Boston Bruins’ disappointing season rolls on, many people, including myself, have had a hard time staying away from criticizing the team. Can you blame us? Instead of the typical bashing of management, coaching, and player performance, I figured this time around I would take a lighter approach on the matter. If you’ve ever seen the classic comedy Caddyshack, you’ll probably agree that the 2014-15 Bruins have a few things in common with it.

I’m alright, nobody worry ’bout me

When the Bruins lost to the Habs in the playoffs last season, it seemed like a good time for a change. The only problem was that the Bruins had no money, but that’s what happens when they give long-term contracts out like Al Czervik gives out tips.

So when the Bruins started the season with the same roster minus a few faces (Iginla, Boychuk, Thornton) we were somehow expected to believe they were still a Stanley Cup contender. Why worry about a team that’s gone to the Stanley Cup in two of the past four seasons? Just let ’em be.

Injuries, injuries….

David Krejci. Zdeno Chara. David Krejci…again. The Bruins haven’t exactly had the best luck with injuries this season and unfortunately for them, they don’t have Danny Noonan to fill in. They haven’t had as many injuries as the Blue Jackets or some others, but they have been significant players. We saw what happens when Chara is out of the lineup for the first time in his Boston career and I don’t think we’re ready for life without him unless we acquire a reasonable replacement. And without Krejci in the lineup, Milan Lucic’s inability to finish truly came to light. Watching him with the puck is like watching Spaulding on the fairway. DOUBLE FARTS!

Dance of the living dead

Once Chara returned and the group was relatively intact, they looked a tad bit slow. Him and Dennis Seidenberg look like they are stuck in quicksand more often than you’d like to see your top two defensemen. You can blame it on injuries, but these guys are old no matter which way you look at it. Seidenberg should still have something left in the tank, but Chara turns 38 next month. He must’ve been something before electricity. As for the forwards, they’re just not a quick group. David Pastrnak is a breath of fresh air, but the rest of them need to start playing with some spark.

The world needs ditch diggers too

The Bruins have some players that, well, aren’t good. I don’t want to name any names, but specifically Daniel Paille, Chris Kelly, Gregory Campbell, etc. The Claude Julien bunch. They’ve had their success in the past and were big enough brown-noses to get caddy scholarships, but it’s time to open up the bottom of the roster and give some young guys a chance. Paille and Campbell will be free agents this summer, but unfortunately, Kelly has another year left on his contract AND has a limited no-movement clause. That’s got to be the worst contract I’ve ever seen. Any free bowls of soup involved?

I want…

I want T.J. Oshie, no, Jordan Eberle. I want Antoine Vermette. I want Keith Yandle. I want Tyler Seg….You’ll get nothing and like it!

Seemingly with every week that passes, another name is brought up in Bruins trade rumors. In a perfect world, maybe we could have all of them, but that’s not how hockey works. With the trades that have dropped in the previous few days, it appears that the asking price will be on the high side. Daniel Winnik for a 2nd rounder, 4th rounder, and lumber yard employee (Zach Sill)?! The Bruins are better off selling if the return rate will be that high.

What I don’t want to see happen is another 2012 or 2014. Andrej Meszaros was all Chiarelli could muster up at last season’s deadline and he could hardly crack the top six defensemen. TANKS FER NUTTIN!

I felt the Bruins were going to make a deal in December. It’s now just days away from the deadline and Chiarelli has yet to pull the trigger. I think Boston fans are getting antsy.

Cinderella boy?

It’s not uncommon for an NHL team to make it from eighth place all the way to the Stanley Cup. Especially if that team has a former Vezina winning goaltender like Tuukka Rask. So they got that going for them, which is nice. One would hope that the Bruins would be able to hold onto a playoff spot despite the new Jagr-touting Panthers on their heels. We could end up seeing the young Pastrnak become a Cinderella story.

What an incredible Cinderella story, this unknown comes outta nowhere to lead the playoffs in goals. Down to game seven. Oh he got all of that one! Goal! The crowd is standing on its feet here in Boston, the normally reserved TD Garden crowd, going wild… for this young Cinderella, he’s come outta nowhere. With just a period left, down a goal, they’re going to have to look for Pastrnak, don’t you think? He’s got a beautiful backswing – that’s – Oh he got all of that one! Another goal! He’s gotta be pleased with that, the crowd is just on its feet here, uh – He’s the Cinderella boy, uh – tears in his eyes I guess. Just a minute left, tie game. And what’s this, a penalty shot for the young Pastrnak. This crowd has gone deathly silent, the Cinderella story, outta no where, a former Czech schoolboy now – about to become Stanley Cup champion. He speeds in, dekes… it looks like a mirac – It’s in the net! 

Blow it up?

If the Bruins and Pastrnak don’t become a Cinderella story, it could be the end for this group of Bruins. That includes the management group, too. Last year, against the Canadiens, we looked like Carl trying to catch the gopher. If it happens again this year, we may need to resort to drastic measures.