As the offseason enters into the waning phase, it becomes more and more apparent that we still don’t have a definitive answer to the age-old question: when the undead rise,which Blackhawks players are most likely to survive the zombie apocalypse?
This is a series that will run through the rest of the offseason and will compare two totally random Blackhawks players and draw a completely arbitrary conclusion as to which will survive any outlandish scenario. We will look at important metrics such as height, weight, bloodthirst, will to live, and anything else I find amusing. This in no way means I think someone should start the zombie apocalypse*.
We will work with the current roster, though it is understood that one or two of these players might be gone by the time the season begins.
First up: Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook, our favorite defensive pairing.
Why are we examining two defensive players first, when there are arguably more famous pairs we could compare, you ask? Because defense is key to survival, whether it be in an NHL game, or when fleeing from zombies.
|Player||Duncan Keith||Brent Seabrook|
|Strengths||Keith is incredibly strong, and his lesser weight gives him the edge over Seabrook in speed. His bloodthirst is legendary, as evidenced by his ruthless and aggressive defensive on-ice play. He’s the highest-scoring defender on the team, and his off-ice hobbies of reading up on serial killers have earned him a) the scary nickname ‘Jigsaw’ and b) probably a better idea of how to incapacitate someone or something quickly.||Seabrook is larger and heavier than Keith, giving him the advantage in a struggle in close quarters. We’ve already seen a number of times that you don’t want to get between him and a wall, and his reflexes are ridiculous.|
|Weaknesses||Keith is smaller and lighter than his defensive counterpart, but is also less likely to be a hero and save a random innocent bystander, thus not putting himself in harms’ way.||I hear through the grapevine that he’s kind to small children and puppies. This indicates empathy, a great way to get eaten by the charging zombie horde when you decide you just have to save that baby animal on the side of the road.|
Who has the edge?
As much as I hate to doom Seabrook to death by gnawing, Keith clearly has the edge here. The number-one rule of survival during the zombie apocalypse is that you do not get close enough to touch the zombies. Keith’s speed will keep him far away from possible doom and death while Seabrook’s only advantage – height and weight – would only help him get away once already in the clutches of the undead.
So sad, too bad.
Tune in Wednesday for another Blackhawk vs Blackhawk survival scenario!
*Unless, of course, you find that amusing.