Off the Crossbar: With Cup Decided, Milbury Goes Back in Cave

In the end, we all won Sunday night.

Whether you’re rejoicing in your team hoisting the Stanley Cup or disappointed there won’t be a Game 7, there’s reason to celebrate. We finally get a break from listening to NBC’s Cro-Magnon, Mike Milbury.

Mike Milbury Announcer
NBC Sportscaster Mike Milbury (NBC Sports)

“I’m tired. Hungry. I have to hunt down some meat,” grumbled the early-hominid commentator. “Where’s my spear?” he muttered, before turning around and walking to the dressing room with his knuckles scraping the floor.

Old School

Milbury, a 12-season NHL veteran, is old school. He’s part of a dying breed that just won’t die.

“When he went to school, they couldn’t teach history, because there wasn’t any yet,” squeaked Liam McHugh, who’s nearly six centuries younger than Milbury.

With outdated views and a lust for dangerous hitting, Milbury is simply out of place in today’s hockey world. The modern athlete can skate, has poise and can conduct himself well in front of a camera. When Milbury laced his skates, he wasn’t capable of even one of the three. And he hasn’t improved since. It’s no wonder he’s so out of touch.

Obsession With Crosby

Milbury’s unhealthy obsession with golden boy Sidney Crosby and willingness to support him at every opportunity this season is readily apparent.

“I have a shrine dedicated to Sid in my basement,” beamed Milbury. “And I’ve collected all kinds of his memorabilia, including his mouthpiece that he lost on the ice in the series against the Washington Capitals.”

(Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports)

Crosby has several things that Milbury envies, among them: skill, intellectual capacity, a non-chafing personality and three Stanley Cup rings.

When Crosby tried to dunk P.K. Subban’s head through solid ice in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Final, Milbury applauded it. “Subban had it coming,” said Milbury like a proud father standing up for his child. “He was trying to get up off the ice and P.K. was in the way.”

Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins
Crosby and Malkin will see their names on the Cup for the third time in their careers. (Dave Sandford/NHLI/Pool Photo via USA TODAY Sports)

Hate for Subban

Because Milbury supports a vanilla league, stripped of personality and colorful characters, the cement-headed commentator has been a vocal critic of charismatic Predators defenseman P.K. Subban.

While the Norris Trophy winner was psyching himself up before a game against the St. Louis Blues, Milbury saw fit to label him a clown. His full statement:

He later defended his remarks by saying he missed his afternoon nap and bowl of prunes.

P.K. enjoys the game and knows it isn’t life and death like cancer, so he doesn’t feel the pressure of the postseason or the moment. Milbury is simply incapable of realizing that P.K. was just enjoying the game and that his non-traditional routine helps him focus. Subban is like a Renaissance master sculptor to Milbury’s child-like kneading of Play-Doh.

Milbury’s Fan Club

After the Penguins successfully completed their Stanley Cup title defense by winning Game 6, one fan couldn’t hold back his heartfelt feelings for Milbury. It was a proud moment for Milbury knowing that someone—anyone—cared enough about him to comment.

A Pattern of Mistakes

Milbury has proven time and time again he’s a calamity. NBC’s lame attempt at an iconic Don Cherry wannabe has failed miserably. He’s no more a Don Cherry than Donald Trump is an Abraham Lincoln.

Even when dressed up with the title of general manager when with the Islanders, Milbury couldn’t help himself. During a contract dispute with star Ziggy Palffy, Milbury blathered that it was unfortunate the agent for Palffy lived in a city because “he’s depriving some small village of a pretty good idiot.”

Um… {ring, ring} hello pot, it’s the kettle calling.

Whether he’s disparaging Joe Louis Arena by calling it a dump or mocking goaltenders that misplay pucks with inappropriate remarks by calling them mentally retarded, the blowhard with an antiquated perspective should be shown the door.

Filip Hronek
An empty Joe Louis Arena – banners hanging.  (Photo by Andrew Forbes)

It’s been a busy season for the shoe-throwing ex-Bruin. Like it or not, Milbury isn’t going anywhere except back to his cave. Fortunately, we won’t have to listen to him until next season.

*Relax. It’s satire.