Grief is something everyone has to face at some point in their life, and that includes NHL players like the Minnesota Wild’s Marcus Foligno. Most who’ve followed his career know that he lost his mother, Janis, in 2009 after a battle with breast cancer. Through their loss, he and his family have stepped up to help a lot of people, and they continue to find creative ways to raise money to help even more.
As someone who also lost their mother, I took some time last week to talk to Marcus about his mother and how to cope with the grief. Something I’ve learned in losing my mom is that the pain never truly goes away, but you find ways to cope with it, and in writing this article, hopefully, it can help someone with their grief as well.
Hockey Mom’s Are Special
Mothers are special people, which everyone knows, and hockey moms are no exception. They wake up early, make sure gear is clean and accounted for, food is made, and so many other things. My mom loved being a hockey mom; growing up, I wasn’t anywhere close to being the best player, but it didn’t matter to my mom. She supported me no matter what, and if I did score a goal, she cheered like it was the game winner.
When asked about his mom, Marcus had a beaming smile and said, “Definitely the word ‘hockey mom’ comes to mind, but she was a mom that was just so supportive and positive, unconditional love is, I think, the biggest thing. I mean, she was always there for us, whether it was, I know it was a lot of sports, but just a lot of things…I grew up with two sisters and an older brother, and we all played sports, we all did things in school and friends, and she seemed to juggle all the schedules and always had time for us, and made us all feel so special and important, and that was the biggest thing is that there was no kind of task too big for her.”
“There was always some way and she always said that it takes a village to raise a family and raise kids and we definitely leaned on neighbors and things like that but I think it was credit to her as a person because everyone wanted to help out my mom Janis and help us out because we have so many family friends that we feel like are family but it’s just from our experience of how my mom treated them and it made them feel a part of our family.”
Holidays Are a Mom’s Specialty
When talking with Marcus, I learned his mom and my mom were pretty similar when it came to fond memories because they involved the holidays. I love to decorate for nearly every holiday, and that’s because my mom always made the holidays so special with decorations, fun food, and sometimes gifts.
When I asked Marcus about a fun story with his mom, his answer involved the holidays, “She was always, Christmas, Easter, like holidays around that stuff she was always big on. So, Christmas for sure, she loved decorating and things like that. There’s the biggest thing I think we always remember, is we traveled a lot, we lived away from Canada which is where her family resided and there was a lot of telephone calls that she’d be on for at least 45 minutes to an hour but to hear that laugh in the background when she was talking with her sisters, brother, or her parents or my grandparents at the time, that’s stuff I remember coming home and just she was always there, always able to greet ya and those are just memories that will always stick in your head.”
Marcus vs Nick Rivalry Was Cherished
Anyone who follows the NHL fairly closely knows Marcus has an older brother, Nick Foligno, and they have quite a rivalry, especially when their teams play each other. When Marcus was asked if his mother encouraged their rivalry when they were younger, he admitted that at times she did, but at other times she put a stop to it.
“There’s been some times where she’s cleared out furniture for us to take to get our competitive juices out of the way, and there’s definitely some times where she also ended the feuds that we had by being stricter than or scarier than my brother was ever to me. So when my mom spoke, we always listened to her, and that’s the kind of voice she had, but no, she always wanted us to support each other and be there for each other.”
“I think that’s the biggest thing she showed, so much support throughout the family, and you’re there for your sisters, your sisters were there for you, you’re there for your brother, and his sports and his schooling events. We did everything together as kind of a family, and that was through her, so she was definitely the heartbeat.”
Marcus and Nick have since expanded on that rivalry to raise money in honor of their mom. They created the Foligno Faceoff this season as a way to raise money for breast cancer research, but they also have the Janis Foligno Foundation, which has helped a lot of people over the years.
“We have the Janis Foligno Foundation, which honors my mom, and it kind of goes with the Foligno Faceoff, too, but we started a foundation for her a year after she passed. We do a lot of stuff back home in northern Ontario…, we obviously try to raise a lot of cancer research, and money for cancer research…My mom actually was a big volunteer for Meals on Wheels, and I always grew up going around with her doing that, so that’s always something I remember wherever she went.”
“Meals on Wheels was kind of something that was there to bring food (to) older people that couldn’t get there or people with disabilities, and I remember helping her out on days, and there’s a Meals on Wheels back home that we always donate to every year and try to keep it alive. That’s who she was, she was just a volunteer, she liked talking to people, smiling at people, making people feel good, and always able to lend a helping hand too.”
Keeping Her Memory Alive
One of the hardest parts about losing a parent, especially your mother, at a younger age, is realizing all of the things they are going to miss out on. Marcus has three little girls, and although grandma isn’t here to see them in person, Marcus and his family make sure his girls know who she was.
“Yeah, you know it’s tough, that’s the toughest part, you start having a family, you start seeing. I have three girls now and you think about what your mom would be like around them and she’d obviously be one of the best grandmothers ever but definitely you pass down a lot to them and it’s funny too because you see like a lot of, having girls you see a lot of things that remind you of your mom in them so it’s special. They see pictures all over our house back in Sudbury, and I have pictures on my phone, and we have pictures up in the house of her and of our family. They’re getting to that age now where they ask questions about her, so I think that’s the best thing to remember her memory.”
Getting Older Doesn’t Make it Easier
As time goes by, the grief isn’t front and center in a person’s life as much as it used to be, but it’s still there. Losing someone that close to you leaves a mark that never truly goes away, and sometimes it hits hard, especially when you really want to call that person just to talk or to tell them something monumental in your life, and you can’t. When asked, Marcus said relying on family is what’s helped him get through those moments.
“That’s the toughest thing, I mean there’s moments in your life that you’re like, ah, I wish my mom was here for this, right? So I think you said you pick up the phone, you wish you could call her, I think that’s when you call your dad, you call your sisters, you call your brother. I’m lucky to have…that support, and my wife and just everyone.”
“That my aunts, my mom’s sisters…I mean, they answer the phone, they sound just like her, so it’s awesome just to hear them from time to time, but I think family always gets you through it. I mean, time will never, time, they say time heals things, but it really doesn’t, and I think just being around family and being, talking about them and bringing them up in conversation to make them feel like they’re still in the room is the best way of coping with it.”
Dealing with this kind of grief hits hard, as someone who’s gone and still going through it, it’s the hardest thing I myself have had to deal with. When asked if he had any advice for others going through this, Marcus continued to say how important family is.
“Yeah, you know what, it’s kind of, be around family…talk about it too. It’s never an easy topic to talk about you know how much you miss someone and you know frustrations too on why they’re not here and why this happened and things like that, that go through with death but you talk about the good times and the laughs that you had with them and it’s amazing what you kind of get out of it.”
“It’s like a healing process when you do so, you get a lot of other people around you, too, of that person that has passed, they have maybe different memories of them, and it’s so cool to hear that, and I think that’s the biggest thing that we’ve always done. We’ve always talked about my mom like she’s still around and there’s home videos, things that make us laugh from time to time, but we just keep those memories alive…”
The Hardest Part to Remember
Regardless of how long your loved one has been gone, there are still really tough days where it feels like it was yesterday. When asked what he does on those really tough days, Marcus made a very good point that everyone needs to remember.
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“I think you know what, it’s okay to cry, (Marcus chuckled) it’s okay to be emotional. I think that’s the biggest thing, on those tough days, I think you’re lucky that you had a mother that loved you so much and cared and gave you the life that you have now. So, I think you just kind of sit back, reflect, appreciate it, and you know I really do believe that you can pick up the phone and call your sibling or call your dad or call someone, that’s if you’re having a tough time to go through that stuff, so yeah, there’s days.”
“I think now, having kids of my own, that’s the thing that’s the part you wish she was around for, right? Especially having a babysitter or an extra hand that would go a long way some days, but those are the moments that you wish she was around, that she didn’t miss out on, you just, you keep your faith and hope that she is looking down and seeing all these moments.”
Grief is such a difficult and tricky thing; you can be feeling okay one moment, and then you’ll hear a song or notice a scent that reminds you of that person, and it hits you like a train. It’s truly a rollercoaster, and no one’s journey is the same, but hopefully this piece is able to help someone realize they aren’t alone. Grief is a terribly hard thing, but chances are someone else around you can understand some of what you’re going through, and you’re never alone.
