It is with great sorrow that I am announcing the sale of some of my sharks. I love them to death, however it is no longer beneficial for me keep them around much longer. I know it sounds selfish but I must do what is best for the group so I can keep people visiting my shark tank in the years to come. Without the spectators, my tank will not survive.
A Terrible Situation
Last night, between the hours of 7:30 PM and 10:30 PM pacific standard time, something terrible happened to two of my favorite sharks, Braun and Wingels. You see, when I arrived home from my management class, I found the two of them in severe pain. My guess is that the devil sent some of his minions to infiltrate my tank to shoot them and hit them until they could barely keep swimming. According to Doctor McLellan, they will be out for a while as they undergo their recovery process.
Braun and Wingels both injured and out awhile, McLellan says
— David Pollak (@PollakOnSharks) January 20, 2015
This news was not only devastating to me, but you could tell the other sharks were affected by their friends’ pain as well.
Wingels has always been well liked by his viewers and by his school. He is pretty big and doesn’t hesitate to throw his tail fin around when there is danger about. Just this year, he has hit 165 intruders, including a few ducks, canucks, and coyotes (don’t ask me how they got in there). In addition to this, he is a spectacular leader when it comes to hunting their prey and consistently keeps the morale high among his school.
Braun- who is named after the razor brand- doesn’t always get the kill, but he is very defensive of his comrades. This is especially true when it comes to Nemo, my shark-clownfish crossbreed. Whenever trouble arises, Braun is always ready to take a shot for his friend. He has already sacrificed his body 86 times for Nemo and will likely do so on many more occasions when he gets fixed up. Unfortunately, his willing sacrifice is what is causing his excruciating pain at the moment.
Wingels and Braun are two of the best sharks in my tank, and without them my chances for success are slim. I must make some changes if I want to keep the tank open throughout next year. I must sacrifice this viewing season to achieve success in 2015-2016.
Willing to Exchange
Many of these sharks that I am putting up for sale were very good to me, but I don’t think they were ideal given their surroundings. After the kings of Los Angeles expressed their disapproval last year, I tried to make the necessary adjustments by trying to exchange two of my older sharks, Thornton and Marleau, for younger ones. However they refused to swim away from the tank, and kept banging something in morse code on the glass. My translator thinks it was N.T.C.
So, after a dismal year so far, I am looking to exchange some of the other sharks in my possession. As many of you know, I don’t actually own my sharks. Instead, I just lease them for a certain amount of time and then renew it if I feel they helped the school. All of the ones that I am offering are ones whose lease ends in July, and will not be renewed. It’s not that they are bad, they’re just not optimal for me. I would rather get something for them in return, instead of just releasing them into the wild and get nothing for them. There are many other cities who could make a run at being the best in North America that could benefit from the services of my sharks.
I have some that have the uncanny ability to swim incredibly deep into the water. They are called depth sharks, and are perfect for any owners who have a few really good sharks, and some not-so-good ones. My depth sharks include Desjardins, and my other crossbreed Kennedy, who is both a shark and a pig. They will undoubtedly bring in some oh’s and ah’s, but not as many as your more popular ones. Still, they give your spectators something to look at after they’re done watching your stars do their typical routine.
Two other sharks that I am ready to part with are named Hannan and Irwin. They are both very defensive of their school, though Irwin likes to attack when he has the chance. Hannan can occasionally be too old and slow to do much, but what he lacks in skill he makes up for in experience. He would be an incredible teacher for the younger sharks in your tank that haven’t been exposed to many viewers. They may not be highly popular, but Irwin can occasionally surprise people and Hannan can really help the future of your pups.
Someone can also have Scott. You don’t have to pay for him, just someone take him. Please. He’s deterring my spectators.
Now for my pièce de résistance: Nemo is available. This shark has done spectacular things for me and was the backbone to my success in 2012 (even though I had to close for almost four months that year) and almost won an award for being so good. However, I believe it is time for us to finally part ways since Stalock has done decently in the school. This is very hard for me to do, so please make your offer worth my while. I think he may do very well at the tank in Dallas. Lehtonen has been sub par recently and the spectators there are probably getting bored with him.
In return for any of my sharks, I am looking for young pups that can swim deep in the water as well as a shark that is very good at defending his school from attacks. I had a lot of issues with those positions this year and I’m hoping not to have them again. Please do not offer me the opportunity to pick young sharks that haven’t been in a big tank before, the ones I have are doing just fine in Worcester and Europe.
If you are interested please call or email me. I am always open to offers, but as I stated above, I am looking for particular pieces for my school. If you mention Sekera, I may be more inclined to accept your exchange. Any negotiations must be complete by March 2, 2015. Best of luck to all of you.
– Couch Potato, General Manager of the San José Sharks
Drew Weber is a columnist for the San Jose Sharks at The Hockey Writers. He previously wrote articles and appeared on podcasts for Teal Town USA (formerly Pucknology) and contributed briefly to Fear the Fin. You can follow him on Twitter at @puck_over_glass.