Off the Crossbar: Jaromir Jagr, The Most Interesting Man in the World

Some critics see him as a 45-year-old washed-up winger that would only be taking a roster spot from a potential up-and-coming talent.

Others see a mulleted, ageless wonderboy, capable of second line production.

Regardless of your stance, there’s no question Jaromir Jagr is…

The Most Interesting Man in the World

Jaromir Jagr is The Most Interesting Man in the World. (credit J. Seide)

He once served a five-minute major…in 14 seconds.

The goal light goes on when he skates by, out of admiration.

He can tango. By himself.

The Stanley Cup asked to be tattoo’d on his body.

He was recognized in the NHL’s Top 100. Twice.

When he beats a defenseman, the defenseman thanks him.

Google Jagrs him.

Jaromir being Jaromir (credit J. Seide)

He’s killed 43 birds with one stone.

He air drums on a 15-piece drum set.

His microwave oven stops itself one second before it’s done so he won’t have to hear it beep.

He doesn’t skate circles around defensemen…he skates complex polygons around them.

The Smithsonian has a place waiting for his mullet.

When he scores a hat trick, every hat thrown on the ice fits him perfectly.

He’s often the first star of games in which his team didn’t even play.

He once went to Pamplona to chase the bulls.

Jagr is a man of mystery. (credit: J. Seide)

He knows what the hokey-pokey is all about.

His butt once won the world’s strongest man competition…while he was at home watching.

He once played 112 games in an 82-game season.

He often plays right wing…on the left wing.

Jaromir knows his way around the ice and the ocean. (credit J. Seide)

He once deked himself out in front of a mirror, then disappeared in a puff of smoke for three days.

In practice, kids toss pucks to him.

When he slices onions, the onions cry.

After he goes for a run, the road feels good, too.

When he asks, “Are we there yet?” he is there.

He gets his 5 o’clock shadow at 1 o’clock.

He’s so forward thinking, he was once called offside while in his own zone.

He can make fans cheer for Bettman.

He can sing every song on Pandora. Even the percussion solos.

The Olympics schedule their games around his availability.

Jagermeister once made a special edition brand just for him.

JagrMeister. Not to be confused with Jagermeister. (credit J. Seide)

He sharpens his skates with his wit.

When he does push-ups, he’s not pushing himself up…he’s pushing the world down.

He only plays one shift per game. The rest are encores for the fans.

When he takes an Uber home from a game, the driver pays him.

When he gets his annual physical, the doctor turns his head and coughs.

Angels say ‘Jagr bless you’ when God sneezes.

He only eats kosher bacon.

911 calls him.

His coffee is stronger than most grown men.

He was named a first-team All-Star before he was drafted.

His game face has been known to cause opponents to forfeit before the opening faceoff.

He binge-watched six seasons of a series before it was ever produced.

Mona Lisa’s eyes are too awe struck to follow him.

The clock on his microwave and oven are always in sync.

He can grow a mullet on demand.

Jagr’s flowing locks are world renown. (credit J. Seide)

When he’s the last one there, he’s a golden egg.

He won a Academy Award while playing charades.

He can recite pi…and finish.

The SimCity he created as a child is now home to more than a million humans.

He’s allowed to probe airport security.

He cooks with metal in the microwave.

He’s able to judge a book by its Dewey Decimal number.

He’s crossed bridges before they were even built.

He’s seen Elvis leave the building.

The clouds he sees have gold-embroidered linings.

A picture of him is worth a 3.4 million words.

He steals lightning’s thunder.

His guess is always better than yours.

In Awe of Jagr

The 45-year-old is second, behind only Wayne Gretzky, with 1,914 NHL points. He’s third all-time in goals, with 765 and fourth in NHL games played, with 1,711.

He’s defied logic and he’s captured our hearts. Deep down, we’re all envious of this man of mystery.

He is **thunderclap** the Most Interesting Man in the World.

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