The playoffs remain an overall goal for the Montreal Canadiens heading into 2024, just not necessarily for 2024. Even if it’s inherently unlikely the Habs make the playoffs, no one’s saying they should stay complacent. In fact, they themselves have each made resolutions for the new year. Here they are:
Jake Evans
Embrace my inner offensive superstar by scoring more goals than I ever have before… 14.
Related: Canadiens’ Evans Due for Breakout Season Despite Role-Player Past
Ignore the fact that in my four other NHL seasons, I’ve scored only nine… total.
Christian Dvorak: Part 1: Re-establish myself as this team’s No. 2 centre above Jake Evans. Part 2: Learn to set higher standards for myself.
Nick Suzuki: Part 1: Schedule trips to Raleigh and Dallas. Part 2: Become the league’s active leader in consecutive games played (completely unrelated, of course).
Juraj Slafkovsky: Part 1: Continue to ascend to the top of my draft class to eventually become the undisputed top player selected in 2022 when all is said and done. Part 2: Visit Lane at Boston University (completely unrelated, of course).
Cole Caufield: Get everyone to forget about last season’s 26-goals-in-46-games Cole Caufield by playing the most complete game I can every night. Failing that, is mass hypnosis a thing?
Rafael Harvey-Pinard: Fit in more as the new guy on the roster… just without the getting-injured part from here on out. I guess that’s what I get for playing like Brendan Gallagher.
Brendan Gallagher: Launch an analytics awareness campaign.
Mitchell Stephens: Not so much.
Josh Anderson: Yeah, seconded.
Instead bank on recency bias and launch a coordinated campaign to convince everyone the Josh Anderson who’s scored five goals in the last six games is the same one they’ll get into my thirties… and not the one who went goalless for the season’s first 24 games. That’s believable, right?
Kirby Dach
Spend my time on the shelf committed to solving life’s great mysteries: Does the Loch Ness Monster exist? What is the secret to eternal bliss? Why does everyone on the team get injured?
Sean Monahan: Stay healthy. Just stay healthy. That’s all you got to do. Just until July 1. Then you can get injured all you want. Ahhhhh.
Alex Newhook: As part of the rehabilitation process to get back on the horse as soon as possible, convince myself it was just a (two-time) fluke and no one actually owns a Voodoo doll of me.
It’s not like anyone I know has Southwestern U.S. roots, could conceivably practice Louisiana Voodoo and stands to benefit from me out of the lineup, right?
Jesse Ylonen: Petition Coach for more top-six ice time, without coming across as too needy or demanding (or suspicious), though. Decent offensive performances every fifth game or so should do it.
Joel Armia: Practice to my strengths… the penalty kill. Use my spare time in the box to do it.
Gustav Lindstrom: Conduct a cost-benefit analysis into changing my first name to “Nicklas.” Would it help?
Mike Matheson: Conduct a cost-benefit analysis into changing my first name to “Michel.” Would it help?
Johnathan Kovacevic: Continue brushing up on my French to prove I belong.
Chris Wideman: Brush up on my Russian.
Michael Pezzetta: Channel Tiger Williams more… like this time the scoring (in regulation) part.
Tanner Pearson: Up my value so that I can get traded to a contender at the deadline (and become one of the “young guys” for once).
Emil Heineman: Play my ass off in the American Hockey League to the point the Canadiens will have no choice but to call me up… and then hopefully play me more than two games… and 7:50 per. Fingers crossed.
Kaiden Guhle
Overdeliver on my defense, as if to overcompensate for something on which I can’t quite put my finger.
Justin Barron: Apply everything I’ve learned in a young lifetime of playing and go on a scoring binge. Oops, typo alert. Go on a scaring binge. I may also have to buy Coach some Just for Men as a result.
Arber Xhekaj: Improve my defense to get back to the NHL.
Jordan Harris: Improve my, uh, size to stay a Montreal Canadien? Barring that, get meaner, I guess? So, what are we talking about here? Turning a blind eye to a grandmother looking to cross the street, to start? Seems doable.
Jayden Struble: Mean? Check. Defensively aware? Check. Offensively aware? Pretty much. I guess I can lean into my creative side more and take painting classes?
David Savard: Three goals in my last seven games? Complete my transformation into Serge. I just need to draft the next Patrick Roy.
Cayden Primeau: Make more out of every opportunity in net, just like astronomers make the most of every Halley’s Comet.
Jake Allen: Consider a second career as a baseball pitcher. This thing called “run support” intrigues me.
Samuel Montembeault: Show my gratitude to the team for the three-year extension by being the best goalie I can… and finishing with a brand-new career-high .902 save percentage this season.
Martin St. Louis: Just do my best to win every single game this team can.
Kent Hughes: Just do my best to win the NHL Draft Lottery.
That way I’ll have no choice but to go with the undisputed top-overall pick, thereby avoiding controversy for the first time in three drafts. You know who I’m talking about… or do you? evil laughter
