Even with current labor negotiations still up in the air, there is still room for some fun among NHL fans. In that spirit I present to you how some of Hollywood’s most memorable scenes would have played out during this NHL lockout.
[Getting ready to meet with the NHLPA]
Gary Bettman: 90 seconds, Billy. That’s all I ask for, just 90 seconds of your life Billy, that’s it. This is our tactic, is we strike fear. Once you get them peeing down their leg, they submit. Also, about fear, fear causes hesitation, and hesitation, causes your worst fears to come true.
[Hands Bill Daly a pen and paper]
Bill Daly: I can’t do this.
Gary Bettman: Yes you can, who knows, you might like it.
Bill Daly: Gary, this is your f****** wake-up call man. I am just a lawyer!
Gary Bettman: Yeah, I know man. Ain’t it wild? That’s what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be its master?
Planes, Trains & Automobiles
Fans: You suck Bettman!
Gary Bettman: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I’m an easy target. Yeah, you’re right; I cause the NHL a lot of trouble. I also have led the NHL to its highest revenue in years. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you… but I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like… I like me. Jeremy Jacobs likes me. My owners like me. ‘Cause I’m the real article. What you see is what you get.
NHLPA: Gary Bettman is the problem.
Gary Bettman: What you lookin’ at? You all a bunch of dumb athletes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be. You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your f****** fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to pander to the fans, you know how to play innocent. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth, even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way!
Gary Bettman: Aww, you mother f******. Okay. Alright. I’m fining all you b******. Huh. You think you can do this shit… Sidney? You think you can do this to me? You mother f****** will be playing hockey in Antarctica when I get finished with you. No fans in the stands, no Zambonis on the ice, 24 hours of snow. I’m the man up in this piece. You’ll never see a full arena again… who the f*** do you think you’re f****** with? I’m the Commissioner, I run s*** around here. You just work here. Yeah, that’s right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away… ’cause I’m gonna’ burn this mother f***** down. David Stern ain’t got s*** on me! That’s right, that’s right. S***, I don’t, f***. I’m winning anyway, I’m winning… I’m winning any mother f****** way. I can’t lose. Yeah, you can hate me, but you can’t fire me.
Donald Fehr: And if this is your players association, why does it go?
Sidney Crosby: We didn’t come here to play for them!
Ryan Miller: Home! The owners are too wealthy!
Donald Fehr: Sons of Canada! I am Donald Fehr.
Ryan Miller: Donald Fehr is seven feet tall!
Donald Fehr: Yes, I’ve heard. He gains players’ millions. And if he were here he would get the owners to agree to a 70/30 HRR split and allow players to have 20 year contracts.
[NHL players laugh]
Donald Fehr: I am Donald Fehr! And I see a whole army of talented hockey players, here in defiance of tyranny. You’ve come to fight as free agents… and free agents you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you negotiate?
Sidney Crosby: Negotiate? Against that? No! We will settle. And we will play.
Donald Fehr: Aye, negotiate and you may lose. Run, and you’ll play… for a while at least. And retired to your homes, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the contracts, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our season, but they’ll never take… OUR GUARANTEED CONTRACTS!
As always – feel free to add some of your favorite movie/lockout quotes in the comments below. Anybody have some Full Metal Bettman for us?