Surprise, surprise: Zach Parise and Ryan Suter were texting the night before their Independence Day decision to join the Minnesota Wild together. Does that make the twosome the LeBron James/Dwayne Wade of the NHL? You be the judge — Overtime has received an exclusive transcript of the teammates’ text messages.
SUTER: bro u there?
PARISE: Sorry. I was shopping online for a small island nation.
SUTER: word. where are we signing?
PARISE: Let’s just go down the list: Calgary
SUTER: #jayfeaster lol
PARISE: Dale Tallon has offered us a Brian Campbell special to sign in Florida. Adjusted for the new cap, that’ll be the biggest offer.
SUTER: name 1 panther
PARISE: The Islanders offered their entire 2013 draft.
PARISE: The Tampa Bay Lightning have included membership at one of the many local retirement communities, for when our contracts expire.
SUTER: no cities where the rink is the only ice in town.
PARISE: Scott Howson sent an email. I didn’t get past the subject line: “Ever wonder what it’d be like to play goalie?” What offers did you get today?
SUTER: vancouver mailed a huge offer, but the letter began “dear mr Weber,”
SUTER: edmonton offered me a chance to play with the other most sought out free agent of 2012.
PARISE: That’s flattering, but I haven’t even talked to them lately.
SUTER: they meant justin schultz
SUTER: the phoenix coyotes offered the phoenix coyotes
SUTER: this one’s interesting: a seat in the house of representatives included.
SUTER: the kings offered me a chance to play for my dad, so they’re out. who’s left?
PARISE: There’s Pittsburgh. They’ll offer us both huge contracts and give us the best opportunity to win. They’re already the most talented team in the league and with us, the Penguins will be unstoppable.
SUTER: if ur gonna sign in pensulvania, y not philly? , more money.
PARISE: It’s marginally more. And didn’t your agent inform you about the conditions to the deal? “Getting rid” of Chris Pronger and “making it look like an accident”?
SUTER: uncle gary said he’d put the hit out no prob, something about unfinished bizness
PARISE: I’m not getting involved.
SUTER: fine u go 2 pitt, i’ll go to detroit. the pizza man said i’m the next lindstrom.
PARISE: Seriously, the Detroit Red Wings…presented by Amway?
SUTER: amway and i donate to the same republican super pacs. it’ll be patroitic for the 4 of july
PARISE: You’re signing in the country’s bail out capitol because you’re a Republican? Citing the support of a family values organization in the sport that spawned “You Can Play”?
PARISE: This about Vancouver isn’t it?
SUTER: crosby is the enemy!!! usa usa usa
PARISE: You’ll get to play with Letang.
SUTER: ppl w/ long hair are hippies or uncle gary. u can play w/ datsyuk
PARISE: Detroit smells like a tire fire.
SUTER: ur bringing the smell of new jersey anywhere u go.
PARISE: Let’s compromise. Nashville?
SUTER: get ready to play w/ no.1 center david legwand. we could always sign with minnesota. lmfao,,
PARISE: Haha! Could you imagine being stuck there for the next 13 years?
SUTER: leopold’s toupee would fly away out of excitement
PARISE: You’d be re-united with Tom Gilbert.
SUTER: if i wanted 2 feel like i was back in collage, i’d go to night 86 of carter and richie’s stanley cup party.
PARISE: Maybe you do need to head back to college…
SUTER: huh. brb my wife is calling
PARISE: Mine too. Talk soon!
30 minutes break
PARISE: So…Minnesota it is?