Exclusive Leak: Zach Parise and Ryan Suter’s Text Messages

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Surprise, surprise: Zach Parise and Ryan Suter were texting the night before their Independence Day decision to join the Minnesota Wild together. Does that make the twosome the LeBron James/Dwayne Wade of the NHL? You be the judge — Overtime has received an exclusive transcript of the teammates’ text messages.

SUTER: bro.

SUTER: bro,,

SUTER: bro u there?

PARISE: Sorry. I was shopping online for a small island nation.

SUTER: word. where are we signing?

PARISE: Let’s just go down the list: Calgary

SUTER: #jayfeaster lol

PARISE: Dale Tallon has offered us a Brian Campbell special to sign in Florida. Adjusted for the new cap, that’ll be the biggest offer.

SUTER: name 1 panther

PARISE: The Islanders offered their entire 2013 draft.

SUTER: pass

PARISE: The Tampa Bay Lightning have included membership at one of the many local retirement communities, for when our contracts expire.

SUTER: no cities where the rink is the only ice in town.

PARISE: Scott Howson sent an email. I didn’t get past the subject line: “Ever wonder what it’d be like to play goalie?” What offers did you get today?

SUTER: vancouver mailed a huge offer, but the letter began “dear mr Weber,”

PARISE: Pass.

SUTER: edmonton offered me a chance to play with the other most sought out free agent of 2012.

PARISE: That’s flattering, but I haven’t even talked to them lately.

SUTER: they meant justin schultz

PARISE: Pass.

SUTER: the phoenix coyotes offered the phoenix coyotes

PARISE: Pass.

SUTER: this one’s interesting: a seat in the house of representatives included.

PARISE: Washington?

SUTER: chicago

PARISE: Pass.

SUTER: the kings offered me a chance to play for my dad, so they’re out. who’s left?

PARISE: There’s Pittsburgh. They’ll offer us both huge contracts and give us the best opportunity to win. They’re already the most talented team in the league and with us, the Penguins will be unstoppable.

SUTER: if ur gonna sign in pensulvania, y not philly? , more money.

PARISE: It’s marginally more. And didn’t your agent inform you about the conditions to the deal? “Getting rid” of Chris Pronger and “making it look like an accident”?

SUTER: uncle gary said he’d put the hit out no prob, something about unfinished bizness

PARISE: I’m not getting involved.

SUTER: fine u go 2 pitt, i’ll go to detroit. the pizza man said i’m the next lindstrom.

PARISE: Seriously, the Detroit Red Wings…presented by Amway?

SUTER: amway and i donate to the same republican super pacs. it’ll be patroitic for the 4 of july

PARISE: You’re signing in the country’s bail out capitol because you’re a Republican? Citing the support of a family values organization in the sport that spawned “You Can Play”?

SUTER: huh

PARISE: This about Vancouver isn’t it?

SUTER: crosby is the enemy!!! usa usa usa

PARISE:  You’ll get to play with Letang.

SUTER: ppl w/ long hair are hippies or uncle gary. u can play w/ datsyuk

PARISE: Detroit smells like a tire fire.

SUTER: ur bringing the smell of new jersey anywhere u go.

PARISE: Let’s compromise. Nashville?

SUTER: get ready to play w/ no.1 center david legwand. we could always sign with minnesota. lmfao,,

PARISE: Haha! Could you imagine being stuck there for the next 13 years?

SUTER: leopold’s toupee would fly away out of excitement

PARISE: You’d be re-united with Tom Gilbert.

SUTER: if i wanted 2 feel like i was back in collage, i’d go to night 86 of carter and richie’s stanley cup party.

PARISE: Maybe you do need to head back to college…

SUTER: huh. brb my wife is calling

PARISE: Mine too. Talk soon!

30 minutes break

PARISE: So…Minnesota it is?

SUTER: yup

5 Comments

  1. pretty close i bet LOL

  2. Priceless. All of it.

  3. Lidstrom*

  4. It was pretty funny up until the last few lines, which sunk the whole piece. Sorry, but the end part just sounded too much like the “pussy whipped” comments about Parise and Suter coming from people who think that a real man should beat his wife whilst fantasising about being taken roughly from behind by a leather-clad Don Cherry.

  5. Journalism says:

    I forgot to laugh. Could’ve been funny, but it’s a week late, and 20 jokes short. What a horrible headline too. Credibility? Bleh.

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